The final straw.

I have officially lost the last ounce of respect I had. I have fought so hard to not go in too hard about how I truly feel about everything but I. am. so. done.

I am pretty appalled at the person he has become. That once oh-so-caring individual is long gone. And now I am no longer going to hide it. Why should I? Why am I still continuing to try and protect his “image” when he has done nothing good to me since leaving me? Speaking of image, everyone’s laughing at ya xo

Following on from my last post, I had another moment of weakness over the weekend. I had just messaged my friend about doing something on the day of what would’ve been my 9 year anniversary to keep my mind busy and just surround myself around people who actually care and matter. Of course, my friends came through as always. I knew I was going to be a bit all over the place come Wednesday, but what I didn’t expect was to have a full blown breakdown of uncontrollable crying to the extent that I was having to scream into my pillow and duvet at 3am trying not to wake up my flatmates.

It took me by surprise (again) but then I felt grateful that it came earlier than I expected, so then maybe come Wednesday I’d be a bit “stronger” mentally and emotionally. I was so exhausted I ended up not going in on Monday but instead made up for it by getting some studying done and was in today for a full day of clinics. I have an essay due at midnight tonight which I’ve only planned and not written, so my goal was to come home, get cracking with the essay (which isn’t that deep, very much opinion based hence the last minute vibes), submit it and catch up with some friends. But of course, my plan did not go to plan.

The clinics part of my day went to plan, I went in and had a really good day with some fab surgeons and nurses and was reminded of why I love studying medicine and training to become a doctor. Got back home, was determined to smash out the essay and just before I put my phone on airplane mode, I stupidly decided to check my emails. Facepalm x 10000.

A bit of context – he got us a couples gym membership two months before he broke up with me. Weird flex, considering he had been unhappy with the relationship during that time. Anyway, post-break up, he said that he was happy for me to stay on it until I qualify in the summer. We left it at that.

Today, being the day before what would’ve been 9 years, I get an email saying he’s essentially removed me from the membership. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t really give a shit about being removed cos I’d already got a different membership elsewhere to a place I can actually go with friends I’m on placement with!

But it’s just the timing of it all. What was your game plan hun? To hurt me even more cos you couldn’t have possibly hurt me enough 6 months ago? To really solidify that this is done? Cos honestly you didn’t need to, you’d be surprised as to how much growth there has been since you left my life (s/o to my friends who have carried me through it all <3). Luckily although this email really knocked me down initially, I was quickly able to pick myself up, prioritise what needed to be done and got my essay done.

This kind of petty behaviour speaks volumes at your big age, thank you for showing me that the universe really helped me to throw out the trash even when I didn’t even know it had to be thrown out.

Also if you’re reading this then please kindly abcdefu

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Breaking the streak

I haven’t cried over my break up in so many months. It has been amazing but the tears stopped a long time ago. If someone told me six months ago that I would’ve stopped crying like a month or two after the break up, I would’ve never believed them. But it happened. I’ve been “tear free” for so many months. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had plenty of emotional moments but nothing related to my break up.

But anyway, I managed to break that “tear free” streak today.

I was really confused as to what triggered it. It’s not like I spend my days dwelling over the past. I don’t spend my time going through old photos or anything. Annoyingly the iPhone memories manage to include something that involves him almost every day, but it hasn’t phased me at all in the longest time. I literally feel *nothing*. Not even numb. Just a weird emptiness but then I focus my attention on something else and life goes on as I’m able to remind myself of how much more beautiful my life has become.

After breaking that streak, I managed to figure out why it may have happened. It is that time of the month. And no, I don’t mean the female cycle haha. But it is the final week of November. Meaning that normally, or least for the past 9 years of my life, I have been busy getting all excited about our anniversary which falls on December 1st.

December 1st. This date has held so much significance in my life for the longest time. It would’ve been 9 years of us and 2 years since getting engaged. But for the first time in many years, it is going to be the same as any other day. It’s weird isn’t it? When you think you’ve been doing the most to just move on and get on with life, but something has to come up and knock you off your lane. Of course, it’s just a temporary blip but still, a blip.

Anyway, I’ve had my moment of sadness and utilised this moment to vent and write about it as this is the best way I deal with my emotions. It’s now time to get back to reality, continue to surround myself with the positive energy that I’ve been surrounding myself with, and count my blessings for the people in my life, both new and old. And also, I need to remind myself I’m not the same person that I was a year ago, or even 6 months ago. And I love that for me.

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True Colours

Isn’t it amazing when you start to see things in a person that you never used to? And no, I don’t mean good things that start to surface. I mean the bad stuff that starts to surface and makes you think.

Imagine. You spend your entire 20s so far with a human that you think you know inside out. You put them on a pedestal and admire everything they have going for them. Yes, they have their flaws but your admiration for them makes you see right through those flaws. It makes you more likely to dismiss potential red flags that may appear. And boy, I am seeing so much red lately when I reflect! But anyway, you think they are the best thing since sliced bread. Kind, caring, compassionate, not a bad bone in their body.

But actually, time apart highlights the ugly. The selfishness beyond words. Boy I can’t even begin…

Something significant came to light recently, something unrelated to us though. But it was something he knew was very close to my heart and understandably I would be very sad about it right now. I made sure he was made aware that it was happening because he also had connections with the situation. I didn’t try and contact him but instead went via a family member. It was the first time I even spoke to anyone from that circle since I cut everyone off, but surprisingly had a nice and calm conversation. Said person agreed to pass on the news. Despite how bad it is, he didn’t have the decency to even reach out. I’m not saying I wanted him to, but I thought if he was that same kind, compassionate person that I knew before, he would out of genuine kindness. I know I would’ve if the tables had turned. But it has been a week and nothing. Not heard a peep. It instead confirmed my thoughts and revealed his true colours – he is not the same person I knew.

And tbh, I am glad. It has shown me exactly what kind of a man the universe made me dodge before getting tied down for good 🙂 🙂 🙂

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Celebrating the small wins…

I’ve experienced several ups and downs over the last few days. I kept thinking about him. But the good thing is that I am now able to dismiss the thoughts quite quickly, but this weekend the thoughts and memories were popping up more and more frequently.

It doesn’t help that his face keep catching me by surprise when I’m on my phone, thanks to the iPhone camera roll features. But I don’t have the heart to delete everything yet.

Yesterday I was fed up of the increasing frequency of the thoughts. So I decided to give myself the time to actually go through a couple of our photos of the good times. I revisited photos of our holiday, our engagement, times with friends and just funny photos from when we were chilling. I actually had the strength to delete quite a few photos. Not everything, but I think this is going to be a step-by-step thing. I don’t know if I will ever have the heart to delete everything, but for now I am deleting a couple every now and then.

Today I realised he only popped into my head once in the morning and then once earlier this evening. Then obviously now as I am writing this. I feel like going through some of the photos yesterday helped me?! Either way, when I realised that he hadn’t popped up in my head a fraction of the amount of times he has been in the recent past, I felt a sense of relief. Is this me… growing? Accepting? Whatever it is, I am SO here for it. I just hope it lasts!

I even told my best friend yesterday, that I feel like I have been genuinely happy recently. Like aside from the times when the thoughts of him come and piss me off that is. Genuine happiness feels like something so unusual. I feel like I have been forced to fake my happiness maybe 70% of the time over the last few months. But that percentage is definitely decreasing. Doing lots of reflecting and surrounding myself with friends and doing things I wasn’t very open to before (mainly going out frequently and saying yes to motives haha) has helped. A lot. But in the process I’ve discovered a whole new side of me that I haven’t seen before.

It initially worried me to think that I am discovering all these new things about me as I’m getting into my late 20s. I am starting to appreciate the smaller things in life, and most of all being less critical of myself and learning to love myself. But definitely better late than never. Did I almost marry someone without actually discovering who I am and not knowing how to love myself?! That sh*t scares me. Thank god for the universe eh?!

Med school is also starting to get more and more real. Starting to approach the end of our first placement, all of our foundation job application stuff starts from today and the biggest surprise today was getting a glimpse of my future GMC number! Fingers crossed, with hard work, good things are on the way.

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I failed my 4th year med school exams…

I failed my 4th year exams

Yes. It happened.

As if coming to terms with my mental health struggles and my break up wasn’t enough, life decided to throw more lemons at me by adding this extra stress. 

It had not been long since the finalisation of the break up either. Results day itself this year was already going to be hard enough as my ex and I had a running tradition of spending the day with each other on every results day we both had since 2015. So not only was I alone for it for the first time in years, but I also found out I had failed. 

Safe to say, I was a mess. I had no idea how I was going to mentally cope with not only dealing with a breakup, not talking to my best friend but now also to find the strength to actually resit my exams. I had only failed by FOUR marks in one paper and THREE in the other. The pass mark was also ridiculously high – like 60 or 61%. Almost 1/3 of my year had also failed, so I felt less alone in this whole process. Nevertheless, it was utterly sh*t. I miss biomed pass marks of 40% lol

Retakes were scheduled for just under three weeks time. I managed to put my head down during the first maybe two or three days, but then I was struggling. I was an emotional wreck, I went through periods of sadness and then suddenly anger and frustration. I was barely eating still, so my energy levels were just not great. My head was not in the right space to resit these exams. But I knew I had to get through this. Because this is about me, for my future, and I was not prepared to let someone else get in the way of my second chance. Especially not someone from my past who was no longer in my present life. Urgh. Men.

I really struggled. My family were absolutely great and did what they could. But sometimes nothing would help. But eventually I started to go back to the gym as I realised I needed some kind of routine. Before I knew it, I was going to the gym every other day throughout the revision period and it REALLY helped me – mentally, physically and emotionally. I felt a sense of relief when I would walk into the gym, and such satisfaction when I’d walk out. I started eating better. My sister was such a babe and would make me all sorts of healthy smoothies for me to drink after my workouts! they tasted better than they looked xD

One day, I got chatting with one of the personal trainers and I swear I was meant to meet her. Turns out she had gone through a lot of similar things in her past and gave me so much hope. She ended up giving me a free PT session and through her I started getting into weight training and fell even more in love with working out. She would check in on me whenever she’d see me at the gym and it honestly was such a blessing in disguise to meet her. 

My mood would have its ups and downs, but regular gym sessions definitely helped. Days when I would be extra frustrated I’d sit on the bikes and cycle 10k. If I had a lot of anger, I’d throw in a couple of extra reps with weights. I found an outlet and I was so bloody pleased. Revision was sticky during the middle of the three weeks because I would see DUMB things through social media that would upset me lol. But yeah ultimately, the revision period was really difficult and I can honestly say the most productive revision was probably done maybe a few days before the exam itself. But better than nothing right? I had to prioritise ME and make sure I was well before doing anything. 

Exams came, sat them, then got results a week and a bit later. Was SO relieved to find out that I had passed and was able to progress into final year!! My family and friends would make it a habit to remind me that I achieved this despite all the difficult things I was going through. And that ladies and gentleman, is all the motivation I need to prove to myself that I GOT THIS.

I am still healing and have a long road ahead of me. But I already know I’m in a MUCH better place than I was around 3 months ago. I’ve admittedly struggled to schedule gym in with placement life but I’m going to start this week as I finally feel like I’m getting into the swing of things. Slowly but surely, progress is being made. And I’m here for it!

Anyway again, why share this? We are all prone to seeing success stories and positive stuff on social media. When the reality is, even these people experience hardships and failures in their lives but may simply decide not to talk about them. Med school is tough. Any degree is tough!! It is NORMAL to fail exams, to retake exams and even retaking the year is very normal. But people don’t talk about it enough. By sharing my experience, again I hope that I help someone out there feel less alone about failing exams and to remind them that failure is still a part of success. We have retakes for a reason – because failing is normal. It’s just a second chance to have another shot. But it is SO important to also listen to our physical and mental health – if we can’t study, it’s okay. It’s miles better to take time off completely and come back to tackle revision when you’re feeling more refreshed. 

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My fiancé left me…

Those of you who have been following me on Mini Studies (link at the end) for over 1.5 years may remember that I posted a lot about getting engaged at the end of 2019 to my long-term other half. Cannot wait for the wedding! Yeah… That ship has sailed. 

I’m not here to talk badly of him but I’m using this space… MY space to get my thoughts and feelings out and reflect on the things he put me though. The whole thing has been so mentally, physically and emotionally draining so I don’t want to waste anymore time talking about it than I need to. But I did say that I wanted to explain what I’ve been dealing with over the last couple of months so this is purely about me and my perspective. 

We had been together for a lovely 8.5 years. We got together quite young (I was in my first year of studying biomedical science and he was in his first year of med school) but we were really happy together and I genuinely could not imagine my life with anyone else I’d rather be with. We were the best of friends. We were planning on getting married as soon as med school was done with (but obviously COVID was complicating things quite a bit as we wanted to have a destination wedding).

In the last year or so things have been rocky I guess. Lockdown struggles, not being able to socialise with friends, work for him/placement for me. Then for me I had the added stresses of dealing with my mental health – which btw I had zero insight into at the time. From the start of 2021 things have been difficult. Looking after unwell family members whilst trying to also balance placement was hard. Then dealing with the workload and catching up due to having to isolate was hard. Trying to actually look after myself was hard. Everything was hard. I was literally crying every single day when I tried to get my work done and meet deadlines. Yet I kept going because I thought it was normal and just a bad phase. But in reality that was the beginning of the real deterioration in my mental health. 

I was losing my temper so quickly, having very emotionally draining outbursts and just hated myself really. Studying was a myth as I couldn’t concentrate – this was something that had been manifesting for the longest period though. I would look at myself in the mirror and hated what I saw. I wasn’t eating well, I was eating whatever would make me feel good and in turn putting on so much weight and let myself go. I really let myself go to the point where I felt like I was being fat shamed (but that’s a whole other topic of conversation). Clothes weren’t fitting me which in itself was really hard to deal with. Despite all of this, I just couldn’t bring myself to make the necessary changes, like eating healthy and going to the gym. Unfortunately my fiancé was the punch bag. He dealt with all my meltdowns. As he always has done as he has always been really supportive and been there for me over the years. However during those particular months I understand now that I was not a nice person to be around. 

I realised my behaviour wasn’t normal following a very big outburst. I was given an ultimatum to seek help. I finally realised I had nothing to blame it on. It was at that moment I took time to reflect and decided to speak to my GP. 

I started meds and therapy. I was starting to feel a bit like myself again. I was able to concentrate for a bit longer and calmed down significantly. Even my fiancé acknowledged the positive changes. Things were starting to improve again. Exams came around and I was able to study & get through it. I started eating better and started consistently going to the gym. We were happy (or at least I thought we were). Then suddenly the only world I had known for the last 8.5 years of my life came crashing down… 

He turned around and said he wasn’t feeling the relationship anymore & hadn’t been happy for the past few months (conveniently aligned with when I was at my lowest in terms of my mental health). Okay yes, I completely understand that I was not the easiest person to be around but clearly I was not the best version of myself during that time especially?! I also found out that he had told his family and friends that he hasn’t been happy, but failed to tell the person he’s not happy with. He said he no longer sees or wants a future with me and doesn’t want to marry me anymore. He said all this (+ more) word for word. I was shocked and heartbroken as I didn’t see it coming. I can’t tell you how hurtful some of the things he said were. In fact there was a major red flag a few months prior to these discussions occurring – I was last to find out that he had applied for a training post in a whole different city. Why was this a red flag? Well, we had planned to stay in the same city for the following year, so I had organised my final year placements to be in the same city as his job at the time. So all of a sudden I was left in a city I didn’t want to be in and he was ready to jump ship. But at the time there was no talk of a break up. I wish I saw the red flag at the time, but of course, I was too naive and even after finding that out was willing to make things work in terms of long distance. This was me in a nutshell throughout this relationship – just dealing with whatever gets thrown my way and letting him off the hook. My counsellor has allowed me to break so many aspects of this down and opened my eyes up to realise what what I put up with was far from okay and I tolerated so much. Don’t get me wrong, this is not me saying I am perfect. I am far from perfect. But I give too many chances and brush things under the carpet way too much. God bless my counsellor for coming into my life and making me realise all this.

But anyway, when he sprung the idea of breaking up, it was very clear that he had already made up his mind and there was nothing that could have stopped him from leaving me. He wasn’t willing to accept that I hadn’t been the best version of myself for the longest time and therefore was deserving of another chance, given that I was addressing my personal issues AND making progress. But no, I was not worthy of another chance. After 8.5 years he didn’t even want to try and work though it. I can’t lie, I begged so much. So much that I look back and all I can say is I am highly embarraaazzzed with myself👀

My mental notebook be like: if a man wants to leave win him back LET HIM WALK GIRL

Trying to come to terms with this whole surprise break up (well, surprise on my end but clearly well planned on his) was so tough. I was a mess. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep. I lost 3kg in the space of a week (and losing weight is something I normally struggle with). The progress I had made in terms of my own self was slowly undoing itself. 

But thank god for my amazing family & amazing friends❤️. They lifted me up when I felt like I was hitting rock bottom for the second time in the space of a few months. They looked after me and helped me get through the worst of days. They encouraged me to eat, they encouraged me to use the gym as an outlet. I was doing 10k on the bikes several times a week as I found it to be extremely therapeutic especially when I was extra frustrated. And the perk of it all? I lost a lot of weight and started to feel GOOD about myself in the longest time. I started to love going to the gym. I was able to fit into clothes that I haven’t worn for years. My sleep continued to be significantly disturbed. It continues to be really bad but not as bad as it once was. But anyway, I held onto these small wins and tried to get through this dark period. Don’t get me wrong though. I still had my moments of deep sadness and feeling extremely low, but I felt like I was in a better position to try and pick myself up at this point having been on meds and therapy for a few weeks already. Things were slowly improving… but then a certain day came and everything went downhill again…

To be continued.

https://www.instagram.com/ministudies_/

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Mental Health Struggles

I never thought I’d be comfortable enough to share this on the internet. But when I’ve seen amazing influencers openly talking about their personal experiences with mental health, it made me more comfortable about sharing my own journey. 

I didn’t know I wasn’t okay for the longest time. It was something that had clearly been building up for time. Until the final trigger came & I was forced to open up my eyes and realise that I haven’t been myself for the longest time, & that the way I’ve been behaving isn’t healthy. I reached out to my GP & after we had a long chat, I agreed to try medication & CBT. 

The medication itself has actually been really helpful. I was a bit nervous about starting it to begin with knowing how it doesn’t work for everyone initially & you might need to try different types before finding the one. Luckily I didn’t have to go through that, but I’ve since had many dose changes & finally found a dose that works for me. CBT was online & in a group format, & was beneficial in ways too, especially with thinking positively & actively trying to change the thinking behind certain behaviours. Also being in an anonymous group setting was reassuring. 

But I knew I needed more than that. So I got referred to have some counselling. I’ve only just started & had two sessions & my god. I love my counsellor. We’ve spoken about so many things already & she’s helped me break down so much stuff in my life that I would’ve never ever considered. I’m seeing so many things in a different light, & whilst it has been upsetting at times, it’s also been a healthy way to understand why certain things have happened the way they did.

So why am I putting myself out there like this? Because mental health problems are SO COMMON. We really need to work towards removing that stigma associated with it. 

IT 👏🏽IS 👏🏽OKAY 👏🏽TO👏🏽NOT👏🏽BE👏🏽 OKAY – just make sure you seek help if you feel like you’re not okay! Surround yourself by people you trust and always remember to put yourself FIRST.

Mental health is just as important as physical health 🧠♥️

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Four years later and I’m BACK

I cannot believe I have left this blog abandoned for essentially the entire duration of med school! But almost 4 years later, we’re back xoxo

Safe to say a LOT has happened especially over the recent year of 2021 so all shall be revealed soon!

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Overly Optimistic?

I’ve come to realise that my last two posts about getting into medicine and my experiences from working in the NHS have been extremely positive. So positive, that it may make me come across as a little bit naive with regards to the nature of pursuing a medical career…?

I can assure everyone (and myself) that I fully understand what life is going to be like once I go back to uni. I know that the next five years of my life are going to be far from easy and will test me to the max. I am fully aware that there are going to be times when I will question my career choice and who knows, I could struggle to keep on top of everything and find myself questioning whether it’s even worth it.

This is why I am glad I didn’t apply and get in at 18. I would have been too immature to understand things the way I do now, and the lack of general life experience would’ve put a strain on the way I handle situations and myself. For example, I feel like I only truly figured out how to tackle revision when I got to the end of second year of my undergrad degree. I feel like I crawled out of my shell properly after starting work in theatres, after having to deal with all sorts of situations.

Have I been put off? Yes, there have been times where I have found myself wondering whether I am making the right decision with the sort of career I seem to be so passionate about getting into. When the Junior Doctor contract issues came to light, I found myself following the stories very closely. I felt so involved and held strong views about what was being imposed on doctors. It was sad to see such low morale amongst a group of professionals who work incredibly hard for the benefit of others.

It was quite a hard time to be 110% sure about wanting to go to med school during this period. I have written a few posts during those times when my thoughts were all over the place (Peaks and Troughs). I started to wonder whether I should walk away whilst I can, and pursue my back up option. But there was always something that kept pulling me back to wanting to not give up but to just fulfil this dream. I am a strong believer of not living with regrets, and I knew if I didn’t apply to med school purely because I let something political influence my decision, I would always regret it.

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The above had been written just before I started med school.

I am now coming to the end of my first semester, and it has already been a bit of a rollercoaster in terms of work and emotions.

Everything I wrote about anticipating before I had even started med school? Yeah… I’ve already experienced it.

Stay tuned for my next post, where I’ll be giving an overview of how my first semester went 🙂

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Three months later…

Hello! I know I’ve been absent for over three months now, but I guess that’s what med school does to you? 😛

I have hopes of restarting this blog properly once I’ve properly got that whole time management thing figured out!

This blog initially started off with stories about growing up as a brown girl in the western world whilst having to deal with drama that comes with being Asian. It then slowly touched upon some politics/world affairs and then centred around working life and med school applications. Now it’s probably going to be a lot about med school related stories and rants and all sorts of glorious things somehow connecting back to medicine.

I do miss writing about the original brown girl related posts so I will try and throw some in when I get the chance, because well, drama never ends in the Asian community 😛

I have a post that links in with the last two posts regarding med school/NHS which has been sitting in my drafts for over three months, so my next post will take a step back to address those topics. Purely because I think it was an interesting post and it feels like a shame to let it go to waste!

Signing off this post hoping that I will actually post again within the next few days and not in a few months 😛

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